After spending 505 days in Hamas captivity, Tal Shoham has broken his silence about the ordeal that nearly broke him.

“There were many times I said goodbye to life,” the 40-year-old father tells the Associated Press in a recent interview. “So many ways to die in that place.”

Shoham’s nightmare began when Hamas terrorists attacked Kibbutz Be’eri on Oct 7, 2023. His family hid in a safe room, but surrendered when the terrorists began prying open a window and using explosives to break in. Before being separated from his family, Shoham made the painful decision to be honest with his now 9-year-old son.

“I didn’t want him to hear a lie from me, if it’s the last minutes of our life,” he recalled.

Though Shoham’s family was released during a brief ceasefire in November 2023, his wife Adi later received a chilling phone call from someone claiming to be a Hamas member, warning her to remain silent about her experience or risk her husband’s life.

Upon entering Gaza, Shoham recalls how a terrorist pointed a gun at him, and ordered him to kneel. Despite seeing what he described as “murder in his eyes,” Shoham refused, not wanting to be killed on their terms.

Initially held in chains in northern Gaza, Shoham was later moved to an apartment where he joined fellow captives Evyatar David and Guy Gilboa-Dalal. The men endured months together under horrific conditions where they were beaten, humiliated, and forbidden to speak. They adapted by learning to communicate through whispers while their captors mocked them, sometimes pretending to fire guns and making references to the Oct. 7 massacre.

Shoham, who also holds Austrian citizenship, made a calculated decision to learn Arabic to better communicate with his captors. About 50 days into captivity, Shoham received what he considered an act of kindness, a letter from his wife, delivered by his captors, informing him that she and their children were safe and would soon be released.

Following Israel’s heroic rescue of four hostages in June, Shoham and his fellow captives were relocated to an underground tunnel estimated to be about 30 meters deep. Cleanly shaved and dressed to blend in, they were transported blindfolded in an ambulance.

Life underground was even more brutal. The tunnel was dark and damp with poor air circulation. Shoham shared a 12-meter-long cell with three other hostages, sleeping on floor mattresses just a meter from the hole that served as their toilet. Showers were permitted roughly every three weeks.

The physical toll was severe. Shoham lost about 60 pounds and developed a leg infection so severe he couldn’t walk for weeks. To survive mentally, Shoham focused on what he could control. He practiced mindfulness techniques learned from his wife, a psychologist, and discussed his feelings with the other hostages.

“The only thing that I have power upon is my inner life,” he explained, telling himself each day that freedom would eventually come.

When Shoham and fellow captive Omer Wenkert were finally freed in February, his parting words to David and Gilboa-Dalal were to stay strong and not lose hope. Hamas later released a propaganda video showing the two men watching the hostage handover in distress.

Now reunited with his family, Shoham worries about the 59 hostages still in Gaza, more than half of whom are believed dead.

“I really fear that if they won’t be released soon, they probably will die there,” he warned.

Shoham’s testimony comes as Israel and Hamas delegations are meeting in Cairo to discuss a new mediated deal that reportedly would see all the hostages released in exchange for a seven-year ceasefire and full IDF withdrawal from the Gaza Strip.